Tuesday, 30 July 2013

dietdevil: Cheeky little poem for all of you ladies of a cert...

dietdevil: Cheeky little poem for all of you ladies of a cert...: So today I wrote a poem about wife swapping, or swinging as it's apparently better known.  It was funny and as I had written  one poe...

Cheeky little poem for all of you ladies of a certain age...........

So today I wrote a poem about wife swapping, or swinging as it's apparently better known.
 It was funny and as I had written  one poem today, I thought, 'bugger it, I'll write 2!' The most exciting part of my day is waiting for a steam cleaner that I have ordered from Amazon to be delivered so I think this will give you an indication of why I have been poetic. If you have fallen asleep by this point then WAKE UP it gets better, I promise you.
 
I have eaten some baked cheesecake and it's the quiz tonight. Mutley has only eaten a slipper today and mother in law in hospital until the weekend.
 
This poem is dedicated to all my 40 something friends................they will totally get it!
 
Goodbye George, it’s over, it’s not me , it’s you.
So for all you 80’s girls out there
That lived that decade in your teens ……..
How the hell did we miss it?
Were we really all that green?
Or were we blinded by our eyeliner
Did our fringes blur our sight
And make Wham!
 the epitome of manhood
As we now know that’s not right
I can see them like it’s yesterday
As they pranced into my life
George so butch, so roarrrrrr, so macho
Oh god I’d love to be his wife!
His flicks were big and bouncy
And they topped his glowing tan
God damn Pepsi and Shirlie
Get your hands right off my man
His pants were white and tight and sexy
They made me have rude thoughts
And who cares if a shuttlecock
Put the bulge into his shorts?
Not I for one, it didn’t click
I just thought that he was whacky
His t shirts the height of fashion
Not cheesy cheap and tacky
So it was with complete and great dismay
When he decided to come out
I saw it on the telly
‘’oh noooooooooooooo’’ they heard me shout
How could he be, what have I missed?
Did his persona reveal his likes?
What’s so wrong about a  pilot?
Or wearing leathers on your bike?
Or fancy Christmas jumpers
Or mentioning Doris Day
Or putting jitterbugs into my brain
Did that really make him GAY?
And then of course he went and got
Nicked for hanging round the loos
I believe they call it cottaging
Not a hobby I would choose
So my dream was crushed, my heart was broke
All I had left were his songs
And looking back
I can’t believe
That we all got it so wrong…………..

Monday, 29 July 2013

dietdevil: Hospitals, Naughty spaniels and cheeky gulls and f...

dietdevil: Hospitals, Naughty spaniels and cheeky gulls and f...: So did you know that WOMAN HITLER is an anagram of MOTHER IN LAW?   And as 'woman hitlers' go mine isn't bad at all. We hav...

Hospitals, Naughty spaniels and cheeky gulls and fish and chips.........oh and dodgy water!

So did you know that WOMAN HITLER is an anagram of MOTHER IN LAW?
 
And as 'woman hitlers' go mine isn't bad at all. We have had our moments over the years but I don't doubt that she loves me and I probably am the daughter she never had. It was very sad and worrying for me today to get 'that' phone call that she had chest pains and shooting pains in her arms and my hubby took her first to the doctors and then to Treliske. We have been to visit, M came and was sad to see her granny looking ill and vulnerable, hubby was sad  too and father in law when we went to get petrol couldn't find the extra safe place that he had hidden his card number in -  bless him. She is awaiting an x ray and lying slumped on a bed amongst other sick and slumped people in a ward. I loathe the indignity of hospitals and it always makes me anxious when I go in and we left her there but have got phones to hand.
 
We were very British on the way home and had the solid equivalent of a cup of tea - fish and chips. None of us had eaten and we were all hungry and I think my potential weight loss / gain at fat club is really the least of my worries.
 
They were delicious by the way............ 
 
On a lighter note, Mutley my still housebound spaniel was found chomping on a packet of Anadin today. He is being weaned off his drugs so is looking for something else to placate him. He is basically bored. No walkies for 2 months means that he has gone a bit stir crazy and a bit solid around his middle. I removed the Anadin from his jaw and in the time that it took me to have a wee ( at my age, that's no time at all ) I returned to find him chewing on a Duracell aaa battery.
 
We see Gemma, one of the vets at THE RICHEST VETS IN CORNWALL on Wednesday and we are crossing our fingers  ( and paws )  that he will be released into the wild!
 
And speaking of the wild - Tony and Gordon and Peter are ( rather like their namesakes ) taking the piss. They are gigantic, they can fly and all they do is jump up and down and flap a bit. I drove up the road today and they were just there, hanging around and , as I think they may say in Bristol, 'giving me evils'. I peeped at them and even got out the car to shooooo them out the way - they were having none of it. They reminded me of the evil gremlins in the film of the same name that stay up after midnight or eat or get water on themselves. I am now very wary.
 
So no bottled water for the 3 feathered amigos but GALLONS for the residents of St Ives. There is either fluoride or chlorine or poo in the reservoir which means we cannot, and I repeat cannot under any circumstances drink the tap water. I had a glass this morning and I started to feel a bit sick. It is psychological as apparently our street hasn't been affected, but if there is a local crisis, I am so going to be involved.
 
To be on the safe side I am drinking wine tonight though.

Saturday, 27 July 2013

dietdevil: Wine, Whine and a pancake roll. Oh but I got a pos...

dietdevil: Wine, Whine and a pancake roll. Oh but I got a pos...: So I would really like to swear but I'm not going to as I am trying to attract readers from Chad and they are a clean living nation. To...

Wine, Whine and a pancake roll. Oh but I got a postcard!

So I would really like to swear but I'm not going to as I am trying to attract readers from Chad and they are a clean living nation. Today, so far has been HORRIBLE and it's not over yet. I am having Chinese tonight and some wine and will be wearing elasticated pants for the next couple of days. I don't care. I have a pair of harem pants and if they're good enough for Cheryl Cole then they're good enough for me.
 
My friends and I on Facebook  started a challenge a couple of days ago. It is to send a postcard to someone on your friends list using only the info that they supply on Facebook. I sent 2 and one of them arrived today! It was to Debbie's daughter Chelsea and I am so chuffed it got there.
 
And I got one too!
 
 
 
Yes ok, it was from Debbie and she does only live down the road but it came! It really made me laugh, especially the 'can be loud' bit. Am I loud? yes I can............but not all the time.
 
I also sent one to a lady called Gayle - I don't really know her, she is one of Leanne's friends and I addressed it to -
 
Gayle, wife of Keith
Norwich ,
Norfolk.
 
She hasn't received it yet as far as I know so come on Royal Mail - sort it out!
 
I have instructed the husband to buy me some more postcards tonight and I am going through my friends list and picking the next recipients, or victims, depending how you look at it.
 
Oh and while I am a descriptive mood - I wish people would just hush a bit when they go up my street at night. Last night we had a very drunk Glaswegian fall over across the road from me. I had my jammies on and no bra so I didn't really want to go out in public . Luckily he came round and staggered up the road not long after his collapse. We then had scousers going off on one. Now normally I love a scouser - they really are my favourite people but not at midnight. It was a husband and wife team arguing over a lost slipper. I was tempted to yell fish wife style out the window, but as my postcard says , I am an inspirational and motivational person and I don't want to set a bad example.
 
Maybe I will later though when I am full of Chinese and wearing those loose harem pants.
 
Why Aye.
 

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

dietdevil: Old friends, New friends and was that Bradley Wigg...

dietdevil: Old friends, New friends and was that Bradley Wigg...: So what a night last night was. Brilliant banter and a brilliant crowd up at Polmanter. My friend Anne was there with her lovely family fro...

Old friends, New friends and was that Bradley Wiggins and lead me to the Bingo!

So what a night last night was. Brilliant banter and a brilliant crowd up at Polmanter. My friend Anne was there with her lovely family from the US of A and they were very rowdy but in a good way.
 
I was quite touched when I got there and a little lad ran up to me and said ''hey oop missus are you Quiz Liz'' and when I said ''yes'' he actually thrust his hips, punched the air and said ''yes''. It's nice to be loved, even if it is by 9 year old kids from Yorkshire!
 
A team called 'Fickheads' won and I asked everyone to be original in their choice of team names. Here are a selection of names from the last few weeks.
 
Norfolk Enchants
 
I like a quickie with Liz ( ! )
 
Quizteam Aquilera
 
The Yorkshire Terriers
 
Norfolk and Clue
 
Norma Snockers
 
Everyone there had a fantastic time. I loved every minute of it. I told everyone I was open to bribery, I was offered jager bombs and lots of other drinks which I surprisingly declined as it's not good to be drunk in charge of a microphone. I know this. I have done it before and I am not proud of it.
 
Tricky question of the night? I put a couple of stinkers in and I do love my anagrams so here goes -
 
'Athletic harpoons' is an anagram of which popular Northern dish?
 
Which Radio One DJ and presenter  found his name being used in Cockney rhyming slang from 2004 onwards?
 
What is the only word in the English language that ends with the letters MT?
 
Which Roman goddess is also a brand of margarine?
 
Oh and also, H reckoned Bradley Wiggins was there last night. I cant really comment on if it was him or not but he was the spitting image! I wanted to yell 'BRADLEY' to see if he turned round but I managed to contain myself.
 
I also met 2 posh scousers. They were from Chester but they had a hint of an accent. I am meeting them there on Friday to play Bingo. I have promised them a professional dobber pen and they have promised me that they won't wear shell suits. I am also dragging Leanne to the bingo. She is from Bristol and I have warned her that it's cut throat. She is no stranger to danger and is a bit excited about it all.
 
BINGO IS THE NEW BLACK!
 
 
 
 

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

dietdevil: Things that make you go..............................

dietdevil: Things that make you go..............................: So I had a wander down the road and sat on the wall talking to the lovely Lizi that owns the flower shop opposite. When I went to move,  my...

Things that make you go.................................VOM!

So I had a wander down the road and sat on the wall talking to the lovely Lizi that owns the flower shop opposite. When I went to move,  my left leg didn't - it had been stuck to the wall by a lump of huge slavvery bubble gum. I was not impressed. Not one bit. Lizi went and got me some wet wipes and although they took the bulk of the gum off I had to use a sponge scourer to get the rest of it of and it also took the top layer of skin with it. I feel violated.
 
I am a bit of a vommer when it comes to anything icky. Having a fertile imagination doesn't help. I could clean my own children up no worries when they were babies but I really struggle with a lot of stuff. I have quite a strong constitution and very rarely vom but there are tons of things that just make  me feel sick.
 
Slugs - I once lived in a very very damp flat and one night when I had come home I had thrown my tights over the back of the chair in my bedroom. In the morning when I picked them up a slug had crawled INTO them. I have despised slugs and tights ever since.
 
Worms - my brothers once had worms when I was a little girl ( lots of kids did in the 70's, we weren't urchins ) and I lived in fear that I would get them. To me they would be like earth worms growing in my tummy.
 
Cat poo.
 
Vomit on a pavement.
 
Noodles - this stems from the film 'The Lost Boys' when Michael, the good guy, meets Keifer Sutherland, the bad vampire and Keifer offers him a takeaway box of noodles and when Michael looks in they have turned to worms. All noodles look like worms to me now. End of.
 
Any form of prolapse ( my granny had one and had to have a rubber ring! ) or limb coming out of it's socket.
 
People that pick their noses and eat it.
 
PUBLIC TOILETS - this is my worst one. I go in them but if there is so much of a hint of a smell I need to leave quickly and cross my legs.
 
So as long as I avoid all of the above I generally live a normal life. I am sat typing this on my leather sofa and I can feel my leg is sticking to it. There are bits of gum still on it. I need tweezers to extract the last few bits......................I will be brave.
 
On a jollier note tonight -- it's the quiz again at Polmanter. Don't Tuesdays come round fast these days? I have dumbed it down a bit from last week's and there are no Bosnian questions.
 
I hopped on those bleddy scales again and thankfully I have lost what I put on from my hog fest on Saturday and if I lose this week then I will be the proverbial jammy cow!
 
Not that I would ever eat jam obviously ...............
 
 
 

Monday, 22 July 2013

dietdevil: Cath Kidston eat your heart out and come to Morvah...

dietdevil: Cath Kidston eat your heart out and come to Morvah...: So I don't like Cath Kidston. I loathe the forced supposedly retro - kitschness of it all. The odd item is ok I suppose, but too much i...

Cath Kidston eat your heart out and come to Morvah - and a bit about the baby.

So I don't like Cath Kidston. I loathe the forced supposedly retro - kitschness of it all. The odd item is ok I suppose, but too much is, well too much. Plus - who the hell would spend £8 on a sodding tea towel? Not me, that's for sure.
 
I do however like proper retro - kitsch - genuine stuff is good but going into her shop is a sensory overload and not in a good way.
 
I went to Morvah tonight where I had done a quiz for The School House art gallery. You want to see genuine old stuff that will warm the cockles of your heart? Then come to Morvah!
 
This was the refreshment table!
 
 
Proper gingham, proper china tea plates, proper sugar bowls  and proper cakes. My god it was certainly heavenly.
 
I have a bit of a thing about church halls and village halls and old fashioned community places. It evokes a huge sense of nostalgia in me and takes me back to Brownies, youth groups, fund raising jumble sales etc etc when I was younger and the fact that there would always be a slab of cake and  cuppa at some point during the day. The cakes that I incidentally resisted tonight were looking lush and when they seductively peeled the cling film off I had an orgasmic whiff of lemon drizzle, swiss roll and heavily buttered scone.
 
I had a strong coffee which I sipped with a smug grimace on my face. I wanted nothing more than to sample the items on that table but I didn't. Life sucks sometimes doesn't it?
 I sent Leanne a photo and I know she would have had a wave of pleasure seeing it. She is coming to the next one. She will love it.
 
Oh and while I'm on it - those arty types up Morvah are more rowdy than the Polmanter lot. They are all highly intelligent ( or so they think ) and some actually had a pained expression on their faces when I did an X factor question or anything to do with telly or films or anything vaguely popular culture. I'm not quite sure they were expecting or wanting me to ask but I did get a bit grumpy towards the end when they kept asking me to repeat the question that they had mumbled all the way through. Someone else is doing the next quiz there. I am going for the mumbling and the cake.
 
Oh and a new king was born. I am generally anti royalist, but I still watched the news most of the day. I hope they call him something normal and I hope they are happy.
 
You see - I'm not all bad.
 And to prove it, I am going to post here one of my favourite poems by Philip Larkin as it's about a newborn baby. The poem was written for a girl so I have changed the  words slightly.
 
 
Tightly-folded bud,
I have wished you something
None of the others would:
Not the usual stuff
About being beautiful,
Or running off a spring
Of innocence and love -
They will all wish you that,
And should it prove possible,

Well, you're a lucky boy.

        But if it shouldn't, then
May you be ordinary;
Have, like other men,
An average of talents:
Not ugly, not good-looking,
Nothing uncustomary
To pull you off your balance,
That, unworkable itself,

Stops all the rest from working.
In fact, may you be dull -
If that is what a skilled,
Vigilant, flexible,
Unemphasised, enthralled
Catching of happiness is called
 
 
 

Sunday, 21 July 2013

dietdevil: No rooftops, those effing scales and a cool breeze...

dietdevil: No rooftops, those effing scales and a cool breeze...: So today I did not go to the rooftop. When I woke up it was dull and drizzly and I had tons to do at home and I had already said I wasn&#39...

No rooftops, those effing scales and a cool breeze.

So today I did not go to the rooftop. When I woke up it was dull and drizzly and I had tons to do at home and I had already said I wasn't going to go and then Debbie ( who had planned the beach ) said she was going to go for an hour and I was disciplined and stayed at home.
 
I wish I had been as disciplined yesterday as I was today..............
 
We did have a Chinese last night and I have to say it was lovely. If I had stopped at the pancake roll and chips and hadn't had some choccy too then maybe today I wouldn't be feeling so guilty.
 
The removal of the battery from the scales was soon forgotten last night and I managed to avoid them this morning but I have juts hopped on and am now angry.
 
The problem with having them in my bathroom constantly looking at me is this -
 
POSITIVE BIT 
 
 THEY KEEP ME ON TRACK
 
IF I AM NAUGHTY AND I HOP ON AND SEE THE DAMAGE THEN I TEND TO BEHAVE
 
NEGATIVE BIT 
 
 IF I AM GOOD AND HOP ON AND I DON'T LIKE WHAT I SEE I THINK ''OH SOD IT'' AND EAT STUFF I SHOULDN'T
 
I'M OBSESSED WITH THEM
 
I am a moderator for a forum on the internet that is a support group for fat club members. Last year I wrote a long post called -
 
''Is anyone else a serial weigher''
 
I have just logged in and looked at it and it has had 113,000 hits and over 5,000 replies so I am definitely not alone with this stupid compulsion.
 
I gave them to Leanne when I was on my non diet. My friend Beccy actually removed a set from my house last year and is dead strict and refused to give me them back. I live less than a minute away from Boots so bought another set as soon as possible and just always hoped she would never need a wee whilst at my house.
 
I am a lost cause.
 
I need help.
 
And although the sun came out , it has still been quite breezy which I have to say was a welcome - but for one day only! I want the sun back as from tomorrow please!
 
I am so busy this week that I don't want to think about it. My next night in is in 6 days time. One of those nights out involves food and I suppose the plus side is that if I am out then I wont be eating or hopping on and off those scales.
 
Have just hopped on again.
 
I am FOUR POUNDS UP on my fat club weight 3 days ago and I have 3 full days to rectify this. I may even resort to going jogging.
 
I blame the ice cream that I had.................

Saturday, 20 July 2013

dietdevil: Eyes down for a busy day and my ice cream was ansu...

dietdevil: Eyes down for a busy day and my ice cream was ansu...: So today is the start of the summer holidays. According to my fancy iPhone it's going to pee down as from Tuesday so that sounds about ...

Eyes down for a busy day and my ice cream was ansum!

So today is the start of the summer holidays. According to my fancy iPhone it's going to pee down as from Tuesday so that sounds about right really. We have had 3 weeks of scorching weather but nothing lasts for ever. Apart from the bingo last night - I thought it would never end............
 
There were some serious bingoers there last night and they weren't going to take any crap off a pretender such as myself. I did explain before I started that I was a bingo virgin and my banter may have lacked a few times but we got through it - eventually. I am doing it again tomorrow and then the normal bingo bloke is back from his hols. I am definitely more of a quizzer.
 
I stuck to my diet all day yesterday. Infact at one point I thought I may faint as I was so hungry.
 
Today has been a different matter. I have 'synned' against fat club and have abused my body.
 
It was hot you see, and I was gasping for an ice cream. H works at this place in the holidays and their ice creams are to die for. I nipped in and bought a sea salt caramel with a blob of clotted cream vanilla on top. It was ansum!
 
 
 
The words 'chinese' and 'takeaway' have been mentioned this afternoon too but tomorrow I will be seriously good and claw it back. I am removing the battery from my bathroom scales and throwing it in the bin as I really don't want to see the damage I am about to do.
 
Everybody worked their socks off today, I saw a few sights on the harbour, a man in a disabled trolley scooter thingy did a 3 point turn in the middle of the road and got a wheel jammed under a car and flipped like a tiddlywink. I hope he is ok - I think he is, but really as comedy accidents go, it's one of the best.
 
Tony the seagull has gone but Gordon and Peter are still there. I am worried about Peter - he doesn't seem to be moving much so tomorrow I am definitely phoning Jackie with the Big Glasses.
 
I am also not going to the roof tomorrow as I have to be a bingo caller again at night and I don't think I can handle 2 sessions in one day. I am shattered at the moment so am relishing being home tonight - Chinese or no Chinese I will be having an early night.
 
And in memory of a comedy genius that sadly died today I would like you all to watch this .
 
A funny man, who made me laugh throughout my younger years. RIP.
 
 
 

Friday, 19 July 2013

dietdevil: Nawwwwwww - lovely and beautiful and happy - and a...

dietdevil: Nawwwwwww - lovely and beautiful and happy - and a...: So it's Friday and it's hot and I saw today a lovely lady that had twins last year. I mentioned them in my blog a couple of weeks a...

Nawwwwwww - lovely and beautiful and happy - and a relaxed mummy! And Peter, if it IS you, I'll miss you.......

So it's Friday and it's hot and I saw today a lovely lady that had twins last year. I mentioned them in my blog a couple of weeks ago - they are adorable and I want to squeeze and sniff them. I have known their mummy since she was a little girl and she was lovely then and apart from being bigger, she hasn't really changed much!
 
These 2 little munchkins were born last year and one of them was very ill and had to be whisked off to a hospital in Bristol. This was obviously very distressing for the whole family and I think the whole of St Ives followed his ( and his brother's ) progress on Facebook as their granny kept everyone up to date with how it was all going. St Ives is a close community and their mummy is from a very well know family so even those that didn't know her, they knew her Mum or Dad or grandparents or aunties and uncles.
 
Thankfully he got better and now both of them are thriving and happy and very very smiley.
 
 
I got big grins from both of them, their mummy showed me how chunky one of them's thighs are , I sympathised as mine are too and they are a delight. It's a standing joke that I see all 3 of them every Friday now so I am looking forward to seeing them running along Back Road East in months to come although I'm not so sure their mummy is.
 
And one more thing - it is refreshing to see such a relaxed attitude for the mother of 2 babies that had quite a shaky start in life. I asked her what they weighed and she said she hadn't been to get them weighed for a while but it is evident that they are both strong and well.
 
I LOST 5 POUNDS AT FAT CLUB!
 
I then went out for a meal to an Italian restaurant in Carbis Bay. I had bread, I had olives, I had the favourite vegetable of any decent Italian, a chip, and luckily I didn't choke on it. I did nearly have a chipasm though.
 
Fat Club was a right laugh. There was a woman there stressing over eating 2 Curly Wurlies. I was just happy that I had lost so much even though I had eaten out twice and it made me quite determined to lose another 2 for next week so I can get me a sticker.
 
That's the only reason I went back - for the stickers and the applause.
 
I also have to divulge something to you all - off the back of writing the quiz for the people at the campsite.....I am calling the bingo numbers tonight. I am a bit embarrassed and I have downloaded the numbers and their phrases in preparation. I have never done anything like this before and , well, it should be fun???? All the threes 33 etc etc, top of the shop etc etc. Debbie suggested I made up new modern phrases for them but I haven't. I think bingo should be traditional. I think bingo should be banned personally, but I will give it a go.
 
I also found the remains of what I think could be Peter the seagull up my back lane this morning. He was the runt of the litter and much much smaller than Tony and Gordon.
 
I hope it isn't him, and if its not then it's one of his cousins. It's sad, as he was flat as the proverbial pancake.
 
RIP (maybe) Peter - there will be one less squawk in our street.
 
 

Thursday, 18 July 2013

dietdevil: Life, Death and a Fatal Chip.

dietdevil: Life, Death and a Fatal Chip.: So I found about an hour ago that Henry the lovely old fella across the road has died.   I'm not sure of his exact age but I'm ...

Life, Death and a Fatal Chip.

So I found about an hour ago that Henry the lovely old fella across the road has died.
 
I'm not sure of his exact age but I'm sure he was in his 90's so as they would say ''he had a good innings''. My husband remembers him from when him and his wife used to run a shop in St Ives and claimed that he always looked like an old man.
 
His wife died a couple of years ago and he was fiercely independent to the end. Gill my neighbour used to call in on them daily and cook meals for them and when he was left on his own and Gill tragically died I remember clearly standing outside our house in complete shock and my husband told a policeman - 'you may want to knock on that door there and tell Henry'. I was devastated about Gill but what added to my grief during that couple of weeks was 2 further things -
 
Henry stood at the door watching all the police, paramedics, fire brigade and crowd outside Gill's and
telling us 'she was my guardian angel you know'
 
Henry at Gill's house after the funeral sat crying into his hankie.
 
There is something very raw and vulnerable about an old person in tears. It broke my heart when I think of all the sights that man must have seen in his life and how distressing the whole tragedy with Gill was and how it must have had such a profound affect on him.
 
Death is a tricky one isn't it?
 
Some believe that you go to heaven , some believe that you go to hell,  some believe that your spirit moves on, some believe you are reincarnated and some think that you are gone and that's it , no more.
 
I'm not quite sure what I believe to be honest. I do know that Henry's death has made me shed a little tear, partly because it brings back the sadness of my own losses throughout my life. Ideally, we all go to a wonderful place where we can climb on top of rainbows and swim with dolphins and run around poppy fields with our grandparents and dead pets, but who really knows?
 
I sort of believe in an afterlife as it makes the whole issue of death more comforting. I know at my Dad's funeral that the big long  box with flowers on top contained the body that my Dad just happened to live in for 69 years. I could not associate it  as being him. He was a Catholic and attended mass quite regularly so maybe that's all he needed to do to hang around with God and Jesus? I really don't know...........
 
I do know however, that a Christian friend of mine who lost her young niece a while back and who I banged into on the day of the funeral was sad because she would miss her but had complete faith that the little girl was in heaven and they would all meet again. I replied that although I wasn't convinced that I shared that view, I took comfort in their comfort, if that makes sense.
 
So Henry - we wont be seeing you stood at your door these days, watching the world go by but we wont forget you.
 
On a slightly jollier note, I am crossing my fingers that I get a good result at fat club tonight. I am taking my friend and fellow yo yo Jenny along and we will do it this time..............now how many
times have I said this?
 
I am off out for a meal tonight and I am sure there will be potatoes involved.
 
And if I choke on a chip?
 
Robbie Williams - 'Free' going in
 
Pet Shop Boys - 'Always on my mind' coming out
 
Cremation please
 
Ashes - half in Cornwall and the other half on Corby Craggs in Northumberland with my Dad
 
And if I am reincarnated?
 
I WANT TO COME BACK AS A THIN PERSON!
 

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

dietdevil: Hi Ho Hi Ho - don't drink on a flimsy dinner and I...

dietdevil: Hi Ho Hi Ho - don't drink on a flimsy dinner and I...: So the quiz went well last night. There was just the right amount of people there and they were all lovely. Even the scousers were ok. I at...

Hi Ho Hi Ho - don't drink on a flimsy dinner and I love a happy dwarf.

So the quiz went well last night. There was just the right amount of people there and they were all lovely. Even the scousers were ok. I ate with 'The Bookworms' that's the ladies from book group by the way, and they came second and I had a lovely fillet steak but no potato and a huge glass of wine and then some double vodkas and I think you can all guess that I felt a bit rough this morning.
 
I had done a Snow White question so was a bit alarmed when I spotted a dwarf at one of the tables. He would have been Happy had he been one of them and took it all in his ( very small ) stride but I was a bit alarmed when I saw that his mates kept sending him to the bar for drinks as he could barely see over the top of it. Twas a good night, although I think for next week I should maybe dumb it down a bit and that my 'name the 3 sectarian groups involved in the Bosnia - Herzogovnia crisis' could really have been replaced by 'what colour is a New York taxi'. You live and learn don't you?
 
I had lunch out today and it was so hot. I know my menopause can't be far off and Leanne is on the turn too so although we wore lovely summery dresses, us and our other friend were all very flushed and fanning with the menus. I had my usual steak and Greek salad because tomorrow is fat club and tomorrow I will lose at least one and a half pounds, which is the totally achievable target I have set myself each week.
 
Tony, Gordon and Peter have been given flying lessons by their mother. This started at around 12.15 am this morning and they were very noisy. I personally reckon they couldn't be arsed and the squawks were actually them saying stuff like-
 
awww Mum nooooooo
 
I'm trying for god's sake
 
I'm flapping , you can see I'm flapping!
 
They are still out there now. I saw Peter wandering down Chapel Street earlier.
In the directions of the Three Ferrets - a pub I never frequent but one that I had to walk past last night on the way to meet one of The Bookworms.
I hadn't been out of the house one minute and I got splattered - this time it avoided my face and landed on my left shoulder.
 
Why Tony?
Why Gordon?
Why Peter?
Why me?

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

dietdevil: Nothing to report in my bush, mime artistes, Gulls...

dietdevil: Nothing to report in my bush, mime artistes, Gulls...: So today I did stuff in the house and then after talking to Lovely Mike from next door and burning my knee I decided I needed to be out an...

Nothing to report in my bush, mime artistes, Gulls giving it beak and a couple of ridiculously hard questions.

So today I did stuff in the house and then after talking to Lovely Mike from next door and burning my knee I decided I needed to be out and in the sunshine. My lily bush had sprouted again so I set myself the task of doing some serious hacking. There was no vodka, knickers or fags to be found so it's been a quiet couple of weeks in Bedford Road. The flowers that I planted with Leanne a few weeks ago are proper flowers now and not just plants and they have their pretty little faces turned up to the sunshine. Oh yes, it's another sizzler.
 
Lovely Mike my neighbour  runs the B and B next door and had a yap with me on the front steps this morning. It's only since Gill his equally lovely wife died that I have got to know him properly and he really is a nice and genuine man. he also likes a good gossip. Today the points we covered were -
 
Holidaymakers
 
What a crap year 2013 has been - more for Mike than anyone :(
 
Our kids
 
A couple of people we both know - can't say who but LOL!
 
Dogs on beaches
 
Dogs not on beaches
 
The appearance of painted blue marks on our back lane which means some utility company is going to dig it up
 
and most importantly............
 
How a couple of his guests have complained about how noisy the seagulls are.
 
I said to Mike - ''ahh that's Tony Gordon and Peter'' and then we agreed that Tony is  a right con gull and that he is big enough to fly and then I told him about Woman With the £1 Water and he agreed she was off her chops and then we said Tony is as fat as a goose. For anyone that reads my blog regularly , you will totally know what I am waffling about and for anyone else - then read the last few days and it will all be apparent. I still haven't rung Jackie With the Big Glasses but I am going to tonight before someone takes matters into their own hands and those 3 gulls are murdered.
 
I also spotted a mime artist huffing and puffing up the road.
 
Mime artists freak me out a bit. It's just not normal to be stood that still for so long and to not speak. This one was hot and in a hurry and his face was silver. I spoke to him and he actually mimed a reply to me. I didn't look impressed and my inner voice may have uttered 'tosser' as he scuttled past. I think he is the one that hangs round at the bottom of Fore Street. My husband maintains that he saw a woman with a dog that did a huge poop in front of it last week and came home giggling.
 
It was the dog that did the poop and not the owner by the way..............
 
Quiz tonight!
 
I have done the questions. They are printed off and have been placed in a sealed envelope and it's too late for any of them to be changed. On trip advisor someone left a comment about the camp site that the quiz was ...ahem, cough cough
 
''FUN AND WELL ATTENDED''
 
A cynical friend suggested that I had written the review myself but I think you all know that if I had written it then I would have been slightly more descriptive - especially about the blonde bird on the microphone! It's a good mix of questions, some ridiculously easy, some that you have to think about and a couple that I may have to apologise for in advance. All I'm saying is...............I like my anagrams, so listen carefully. Oh and I also like 80's music.
 
Only 2 more days until I have my first official weigh in as a born again Slimming World virgin. I am eating out with the ladies from book group tonight prior to the quiz and lunch out tomorrow too but if I make wise and healthy choices then I should be ok. ZZZZZZZZZZ. What a bleddy bore. I really want sticky toffee pudding and lashings of wine but I want my hip bones more.
 
I can't have my pud and eat it. Plus I have gulls to rehome and a bush to keep tidy and I'm sure that I can do all this much more easily with prominent cheekbones.

Monday, 15 July 2013

dietdevil: Staycation fun, a few more arseholes and am I gull...

dietdevil: Staycation fun, a few more arseholes and am I gull...: So H my oldest daughter is very busy at the moment. She has 2 jobs, a placement for her speech therapy work and basically doesn't stop....

Staycation fun, a few more arseholes and am I gullible?

So H my oldest daughter is very busy at the moment. She has 2 jobs, a placement for her speech therapy work and basically doesn't stop. She is loving being back in Cornwall and is having a bit of a staycation on the little time she has off. Visiting different beaches, swimming in the sea, barbecues - and today................snorkelling with Sophie and Becca ( aka Janet)
 
 
They got the cheapest and most tacky snorkels available from one of the ahem, less classy shops in town and it took them ages just to get them out of the packaging. I did warn them not to drown because, if they went missing then the photo above would be the one that they would use on Sky News.............
 
As today is Monday it is generally the day I have to deal with at least one arsehole. Since getting rid of the arsehole a couple of weeks ago my life has definitely been a bit easier but today another one emerged. She is the owner of a holiday property and has a limp handshake. She is also horrifically obese as is her husband and her teenage son has breasts. They look like a family that should be featured on a Channel 4 show with some nubile fitness freak giving them a makeover. I would bleddy love to see her on a treadmill with her crying because she couldn't have a burger and having to have some grilled haddock and rocket instead.
 
Am I being a cow?
 
Have I got PMT?
 
Do I care?
 
A BIT
 
YES!
 
NO!
 
And as has been the norm for recent blogs, it just wouldn't be the same without some form of gull update.
 
Well Peter, Gordon and Tony are still up the road. A woman that I vaguely know knocked on my door an hour ago and asked if I would ring Jackie With the Big Glasses to take them away as she was worried about one of them ( Peter I think ). She has been buying them a bottle of water each day but can't afford to keep shelling out a pound. I kept a straight face at this point. This woman is a bit of an arsehole too if I'm perfectly honest and I kept my comment to myself. That's the comment where I would have said . ''well I really don't think they would mind if it was tap water you gormless bint and I don't rescue gulls so why don't you just go away''
 
Anyway, a friend of mine texted me a picture of a seagull he claims to have seen wandering along the harbour front. Now this friend is a bit of a joker and I laughed first and then asked if it had been photo-shopped but he claims not and that somebody really has glued a Santa hat to the bird's head.
 
 
 
Am I gullible? Is it real? Will tomorrow bring any less arseholes? Will I lose weight at fat club on Thursday? Will the punters like my quiz tomorrow and will Jackie With the Big Glasses help integrate Tony Gordon and Peter back into seagull society?
 
Answers to none of the above tomorrow...............
 

Sunday, 14 July 2013

dietdevil: Hot Hot Hot and grand plans for a picnic.

dietdevil: Hot Hot Hot and grand plans for a picnic.: So yes you all know what I've been up to today. It is Sunday and it is HOT and there was no way I was going to miss out on the rooftop....

Hot Hot Hot and grand plans for a picnic.

So yes you all know what I've been up to today. It is Sunday and it is HOT and there was no way I was going to miss out on the rooftop. A small but select gathering today, including 2 people from Sheffield who seemed very nice. John ( I think he was called John ) bought me a drink so he seemed even nicer after that. Hooray.
 
As I am on a 'diet' I didn't have my usual Magners as I am sure they are full of sugar and very fattening, I had vodka and diet coke instead but only 2 ( doubles ) as I had to be home by 4 to Mutley sit. He is still under house arrest but sees the richest vet in Cornwall tomorrow and I am hoping that they will allow him to go out for some gentle walks. I feel so sorry for him watching the other 2 go out for their daily run at 4 o clock so here's hoping for tomorrow........
 
One of the topics of conversation today around the table is the demise of the good old British picnic. We have decided that not next Sunday, but the one after , we will sacrifice the rooftop and go somewhere with food, blankets and rugs and relive the fun of yesteryear. It's ages since I have been on a picnic but the ones I recall from my childhood always involved.........
 
Hard boiled eggs
 
Egg and cress sandwiches
 
Cake
 
Squash that was too strong
 
We decided that I should start boiling my eggs now and my sandwiches should be made asap and then left wrapped in clingfilm in a warm place for full effect. The squash needs to be kept somewhere warm too and be much too strong - ideally it should be of the consistency that makes you wonder if any water has actually been added at all. As for the cake? Well I don't make cakes and if I don't eat them too as I'm being ever so good, then someone else can be in charge of them. I am not sure where we will go for this picnic, I am guessing the Island in St Ives - we also said that wherever we lay our rugs has to be right on top of an annoying stone or pebble so we can then spend the rest of the day shuffling about uncomfortably. Oh and we are also going to roll out hard boiled eggs down a hill - don't ask why - we just are!
 
I have been home for nearly an hour and my 'tan' is just starting to kick in. I used factor 15 - I am Northumbrian and naturally pale and freckly so I really should use a 30 but I didn't.
 
 
I am not sore and it is not stinging so that's good enough for me. I just hope it doesn't have a delayed reaction on me and I don't spend the rest of the night burning up. I have promised to cook a roast dinner and I need to slam in the lamb and do stuff with cabbage in a minute and the thought of that hot oven is making me feel a bit wobbly.
 
I wonder if anyone apart from Mutley would notice if I went away and hid for a while in a cold room????

Saturday, 13 July 2013

dietdevil: Overdressed, baking heat and the seagulls are taki...

dietdevil: Overdressed, baking heat and the seagulls are taki...: So it's day 599 of the heatwave. Yes, I know I am exaggerating and there is no way I am complaining. I am loving it. I did a lot of wa...

Overdressed, baking heat and the seagulls are taking the mickey.

So it's day 599 of the heatwave. Yes, I know I am exaggerating and there is no way I am complaining. I am loving it. I did a lot of walking around town today and am brown as a berry - if that berry is pink, obviously.
 
The hot weather brings out the best and worst in everybody's fashion sense. Large people wear small clothes, men with gigantic beer guts lick ice creams whilst stood in their speedos, bingo wings are a flapping and many a hefty thigh is squeezed into  a pair of shorts. It's not good, but hey, it's the summer and you're on holiday - and so what?
 
I saw a few sights today and not all of them were nice. The most bizarre however was this person -

 
Lisa and I were stood outside a holiday cottage and she nudged me. We were both wearing vest tops and had bare legs and flip flops. I turned my head and spluttered. How could this person not faint wearing that fleece? Why the big chunky boots? What were the long thick trousers all about? She may have been walking in the shade but you could have fried an egg on that pavement today. My mind was boggling. Just looking at her made me perspire even more - it was not necessary at all.
 
The baby seagulls up the road are loving life although I do think they are taking the mick a bit now. Since Boris went yesterday to the birdy hospital we are left with Tony, Gordon and Peter. They are very comfortable at number 17 up the road at the moment.
 
Tony and Gordon chilling and grooming.
 
 
Peter having a bath.
 


Now I'm no expert but I reckon that these three are more than big enough to fly. I think they have got used to the relative luxury of Bedford Road. They were tame, tourists were patting them when I snapped them. They were loving it. They were practically performing for them. I am keeping my eye on them and if they're still there this time next week I am going to shoo them all the way to the beach.

Day Two of being back on a diet zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. I still have my scales because Leanne is still in France. I had a cheeky hop and I think I may have put on a pound. I am going to smash them with a hammer tomorrow if she doesn't come back soon and wrench them from my grasp.

I have to lose on my first week back! There are 4 Serbians rooting for me.

If I don't then I may dress like 'fleece woman' for a few days and sweat myself to a sticker!

 

Friday, 12 July 2013

dietdevil: Boris in a box and why the hell am I so hungry?

dietdevil: Boris in a box and why the hell am I so hungry?: So today one of the baby seagulls from up the road seems to have broken his wing. He was collapsed in a feathery heap at the bottom of my s...

Boris in a box and why the hell am I so hungry?

So today one of the baby seagulls from up the road seems to have broken his wing. He was collapsed in a feathery heap at the bottom of my steps and people were pointing and cooing and I had to do something. There was no way I could leave him there - plus my dogs would have eaten him if they had clocked him.
 
We called him Boris. We put him in a box.
 
Boris in his box.
 
 
He has been taken away by Jackie with the big glasses that rescues them and will probably end up at the birdy hospital at Mousehole. Hopefully they can mend his wing and he can fly off and be happy.
 
Now on to fat stuff.
 
Today was day one of me being back on a 'diet' and I have been bleddy starving all day! Tell me this people - if I wasn't on a 'diet' then I wouldn't have thought about food at all but my tummy has been rumbling and grumbling, I have been sniffing the air like a beagle every time I passed a pasty shop and I think I may have even dribbled a couple of times too.
 
It's all psychological - you know this and I know this but my goodness, I want a sticker so bad that I am going to grimace and bear it.
 
I had something yogurty and rather vile for breakfast, a 'quiche' for want of a better word for lunch and for dinner I am having a grilled slab of gammon and some pretend chips and baked beans.
 
Woopy do!
 
I have done the dreaded Tesco shop online, I have ordered more yogurt, heaps of fruit and some half fat cheddar. I cant go wrong with yogurt and fruit and half fat cheddar, really I can't.
 
My first sticker will be for losing half a stone and by any stretch of the imagination it certainly won't be stuck on my special book next week - especially as I have planned to go out for lunch on Wednesday but maybe the week after.
 
I still have to live my life and if that means a couple of hours in Caffe Pasta then that's fine by me.
 
Steak, greek salad, some Australian merlot and a fab view - what's not to like?
 
Who knows? I may even see Boris fly past while I'm nibbling an olive.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

dietdevil: There's nowt as fickle as a fatty and fish and chi...

dietdevil: There's nowt as fickle as a fatty and fish and chi...: So despite waffling on about maybe rejoining and should I maybe keep non dieting and umming and ahhhhing and being all confused, I did it. ...

There's nowt as fickle as a fatty and fish and chips float my boat.

So despite waffling on about maybe rejoining and should I maybe keep non dieting and umming and ahhhhing and being all confused, I did it.
 
I WENT BACK TO FAT CLUB!
 
The consultant was pleased to see me, there was a few familiar faces, there was a lot of fat people and I felt quite at home. It was the large minty aero that tipped me over the edge last night. I haven't eaten chocolate for weeks and I wanted it more than I have wanted anything before in my whole life.
 It's my time of the month approaching but that's no excuse. I need some discipline and if that means paying £4.95 to get weighed once a week and listening to a room full of overweight ladies and the odd gentlemen 'sharing' their latest recipe, then so be it.
 
Fat people are notoriously fickle. They can be completely dead against something one minute and then the next minute they'll love it. I'm not sure if I love fat club again like I used to yet,  but I really need to shift the last bit and then I can maybe relax a little.
 
I am also a sucker for a sticker and a hearty round of applause. I quite like being praised on a 3 pound weight loss and I do love to tell them about my latest culinary success so needs must and all that.
 
Being on my non diet meant that I didn't particularly shop with Slimming World in mind, but I have had a poke through my fridge and there is enough there to get me started tomorrow. I need to do a dreaded Tesco shop and then on Sunday I will do some cooking and creating and by next Thursday I should be an old hand once again.
 
Of course, it also means that I can have a take away tonight so I am having fish and chips.
 
I bloody love fish and chips - and mushy peas and gravy ( it's a northern thing, relax) and I am drooling just thinking about them. I am not having any wine and I will probably not be able to manage them all, but it's what weigh in night's all about isn't it?
 
Celebrating your weight loss with a eat treat - I believe one would call this ironic.
 
The good news is that since the end of March I have lost nearly 2 stone so I am feeling quite proud off myself that I have done this on my own and without the 'help' of an organisation.
 
So next time I rave about a non diet , please just humour me and pat me on my head. You know that despite me saying how great my relaxed approach all was - you know that I will return to that hallowed hall in Hayle and admit that I need a pack of books and a special card and the camaraderie that goes with it all.
 
Wish me luck - I can nail this - for the last time............cough cough.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

dietdevil: I'm just totes emosh!

dietdevil: I'm just totes emosh!: So THE   day in the year 11's social calendar has arrived. Their leaver's dinner and dance , or as the more Americanised amongst us...

I'm just totes emosh!

So THE  day in the year 11's social calendar has arrived. Their leaver's dinner and dance , or as the more Americanised amongst us like to refer to it - their 'prom'.
 
It's probably more exciting for girls than boys. There are dresses to buy, their are nails to be done, make up to be applied and hair to be curled and teased into gorgeous styles. M has gone for the works today and she looked beautiful.

They all looked beautiful actually and most of us mums were dabbing a tear from our eyes. The dinner was held at Tregenna Castle, the sun was still out and up there, there are gorgeous panoramic views of St Ives and the bay and the sea. Just perfect.

I took lots of pictures, most of which are now on Facebook or texted to various family members. One of my favourites is of M and her friend Billie - they have been friends since they were 4 and they lived behind us and the fence fell down and they pushed through it and met and then discovered that they were the same age.

Now I would always like to remember them like this............

 
But tonight, they looked like this................
 
 
It was truly amazing seeing all those kids that I have known since they were tiny and even in prams and some even just bumps looking so sophisticated. Lovely stuff.
 
Oh and while I am on it - one of the topics of rooftop banter on Sunday was organising -
 
THE PROM WE NEVER HAD
 
When I left school in 1984 I think we probably all went to the pub and smoked bensons and drank cider. There was no prom, I don't think there was even a flipping disco.
 We deprived 30 and 40 somethings are going to organise one, but the condition is that we have to wear what would have been in fashion at the given time when we were 16.
 I am guessing in my case it would have been something with ruffles and probably crushed velvet and I think my hair would have maybe been teased and backcombed with a bit of fringe sexily blocking one eye. I also think kohl eyeliner and a bit of glittery eyeshadow too just for good measure.
 
We will look bleddy lush.
 
Those kids that were there tonight wont know what's hit them when they see the photos...............really, they wont.
 
 
 

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

dietdevil: Adventurous baby gulls and the art of not squishin...

dietdevil: Adventurous baby gulls and the art of not squishin...: So the baby gulls are dropping off the rooftops at an alarming rate. I think gulls are a pain in the arse and despite having lived here for...

Adventurous baby gulls and the art of not squishing them.

So the baby gulls are dropping off the rooftops at an alarming rate. I think gulls are a pain in the arse and despite having lived here for over 20 years the sound of their squawking still prickles me. I wouldn't hurt one though and I hate seeing them wandering around looking for their Mommas.
 
Birds in general freak me out to be honest. It's the mad eyes and the beaks and the flapping wings that just put me on edge. I am not stupid enough to eat chips whilst walking along the harbour ( well obviously as I just don't do chips after my hog-fest of a weekend) so I have never had them ripped from my hand. I did get dive bombed on Porthmeor once though and it really hurt and you have all seen the evidence of one of my recent splatterings but like I said, I would never hurt one and it breaks my heart to see the little ones on the pavements , or even worse, lying squished on the roads.
 
M takes it all very seriously. I have raised 2 animal loving kids and she gets hysterical if a dog is so much as kicked on the telly so she has been monitoring all the roof fallen babies this last couple of weeks. Today there are at least 6 and all outside my house. One got squished up the back lane last week so had to be discreetly disposed of in the wheelie bin, 2 of them in particular hang around our gate and I have had to beep them several times to avoid gullacide and today all I could hear was things like -
 
Eeeh by gum dad there's a baby gull there
 
Cor blimey look at that little geezer
 
Oh my God hank, it's just like too cute , shall we go get a burger?
 
schauen Sie auf diesen kleinen Vogel
 
regardez ce petit oiseau
 
Hi, errr like soft lad, that , errrm like berrrrd needs to go the ozzie
 
I live in quite a multi cultural street as you can see and some of the passers by kept picking them up and putting them on my wall. I don't know why they did this as this enabled my 3 blood hungry spaniels to see them through the window and bark a lot. My cat could also see them and gave them evils from behind the glass but if confronted by one he would run a mile.
 
I have just driven M to work in the nearby village of Halsetown and it was like being on a round of the Krypton Factor just to get to the top of the street. I mounted the pavement twice and you know what? .... that baby gull just looked at me and barely raised a wing to say thank you.
 
If we touch them to rescue them their Mommas don't want them any more, so you never know quite what to . Once I was driving H back at 4 in the morning and we literally sat in the road waiting for one baby to move. In the end we had to do it ourselves and his Momma flew off. If Jezza Kyle ever did a bird show then I reckon he would have loads more gulls on than any other type.
 
I am driving again in an hour. Hopefully they will all have scuttled into someone's garden or learnt to fly by then.
 
It's all very stressful.......................